jokes

[~Drunken_Angel~]

heres just a couple of jokes i found...

Driving Through Texas

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!"

[~Drunken_Angel~]

Three Men

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied,"Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!".

[~Drunken_Angel~]

Wrong Hood


Two young guys who were completely drunk and staggering down the pavement when a heated argument erupted between the two.

"I'm telling you, that is the sun!", one said.

"NO! that's the moon!", replied the other.

And this went on and on until one of the two guys suggested they ask an old man they saw staggering towards them.

So they did and the old man answered, "Sorry guys, I have no idea, I'm not from this neighborhood".

[~Drunken_Angel~]

Trouble


A man walks into a bar.

Bartender asks what'll have.

Man replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".

Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks.

All night, each time the bartender asks for his order the man says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".

Finally the bartender asks the man what trouble he's talking about.

The man says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you".

The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night".

The man says "Ohh, now the trouble starts"..

[~Drunken_Angel~]

Birthday Girl

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

[~Drunken_Angel~]

Good Excuse

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[ALLEN]

haha those are pretty damn funny.heres a good joke:whats better than 10 dead babies nailed to 1 tree?
1 dead baby nailed to 10 trees.
haha you gotta love dead baby jokes

[~Drunken_Angel~]

LOL, thats awesome! i love it... haha dead babies... sweet.

[punk_bun-e_mich]

hahahahahahahaa loved the jokes peoples! hahaha i had a good laugh and managed to stop boredom from taking over for the time it took me to read the jokes

[Pedigree]

yeh loved em they were pretty funny lmao!!!

[Freaky_FMX_Star]

Old McDonald

A homless man was walking down the street when he saw a sign that says "make $100 at Old McDonalds Farm"

The man went to the farm and walked up to Old McDonald him self n asks what he must do for the $100.

Old McDonald said "See that hourse over there" the man looked and noded his head yes. "Well if you can go over there and make that hourse laugh i'll give you a $100.

The man walked over to the hourse and wispered in its ear, and when the man came back to Old McDonald the hourse was laughing his head off.

Old McDonald was amazed at of what the man just did so he said "Wow, now if you can go over there and make that hourse cry i'll give u $800."

The man walked over to the hourse and did a lil thing, and sure enough the hourse was balling his eyes out.

by this point Old McDonald just couldnt beleave what he had just witnessed, so he handed the man his money and asked him how he made the hourse laugh???

And the man simply said "I told the hourse i had biger balls then him." "Then how did you make him cry?"Old McDonald asked. The man just said "I showed him."

[~Drunken_Angel~]

ROFPMSL oh my god thats awesome... lol.. haha *hyperventilates* okay.. breath... phew, lol... thats some funny shit

[ALLEN]

whats yellow and blue and sits on the bottom of the pool?
a babie with slashed floaties.
__________________________________________________ __
whats more funny than pegging a baby to a close line and swinging it round as fast as you can?
stopping that same baby with a baseball bat.

[ALLEN]

the ladies are gonna love me for this but oh well.
what do u say to your gf or wife when she asks you for a new watch?
what do u need one of those for there is a clock on the oven!
why are womens feet smaller than mens?
so the can stand closer to the kitchen sink.lol

[ALLEN]

fraky mx star there is a joke nearly exactly the same as that but involving a bar.and it goes like this.lol.fella walks into a bar and sees a horse sitting next to the bar he asks the bartender what its for and he says if you can make that horse laugh ill give you all the takings for a week.bartender says i doubt youll do it. so the bloke gos over there has the horse pissin it self laughing and gets his money and walks out.8yrs later goes back to the same bar same horse is there,bartender says this time you gotta make him cry and you get that big pot of gold. the bloke walks over there said something to the horse and its balling its eyes out.bartender asks the bloke howd you do it the fella replies,the first time i told him my **** was bigger than his,and the 2nd time i showed him.lol.

[~Drunken_Angel~]

Heres some stuff i got from a website... they're ****in funny as.

::Stuff that Annoys me::

#1 People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

#2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

#3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Screw off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead

#4 When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

#5 When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No ****nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

#6 When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

#7 When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know *******, you frigging pulled me over.

#8 When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer?

#9 When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one god damn piece of paper!

#10 When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here *******!

#11 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

[eightball]

lmao. keep em comin.

hey drunken angel...... how u doin? ;)

[~Drunken_Angel~]

Hey eightball... Im cool, how u going,
and don't worry, i will...

[ALLEN]

pmsl drunken angel,keep em coming

[jraab]

a man takes a trip to mexico for a holiday

when he gets there he spends his day watching the bull fights

then in the evening he goes to the resterunt and orders his meal

then he smells this wonderfull smell coming from this dish that the waiter has. so he calls him over.

"what have you got there." the man ask "ah it is the bulls balls from the bull fights today sir"the waiter replies

"oh well i'll have some then" "no" the waiter says "the balls are all ordered out, if you want one you must order one for tommorow after the fight" "ok then place an order for me for tommorow" the man says.

the next day he returns for his bull balls and the waiter approches him and says " are you enjoying your meal sir?"

"oh yes it's fantastic but i'm a bit disapointed their smaller then yesterday" "yes sir" the waiter replies "some times the bull wins"

[jraab]

why are wedding dress white?

because kichen appliences look better in white

[~Drunken_Angel~]

lol, i've heard the bull one before... but still it's pretty awesome.
Theres a real madass site that ill give u guys in a minute, its got a whole heaps of funny shit on it, so yeh...

www.funnyjunk.com
The top funny pages on the left hand side are the best.
Have fun ;)
Lay

[unhallowed]

( im not gay. i just thought these were funny as hell.)

why do gay men love glow in the dark condoms?


because they like to play star wars.




why do gay men love ribbed condoms?




they need more traction in the mud.


hhahahahahha sooo grosss but funny.



oh, and here is one for the balding men out there.


what do you call 40 hairs running backwards?


a receeding hairline.

hahahaahhaa

[~Drunken_Angel~]

OKay.. i haven't really been adding to this but here you go.. bathroom Graffiti..

Bathroom graffiti - 01
-----------------------------
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Bathroom graffiti - 02
-----------------------------
I came here
To sh*t and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

[~Drunken_Angel~]

Bathroom graffiti - 03
-----------------------------
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to sh*t and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullsh*t on the walls.

Bathroom graffiti - 04
-----------------------------
(Written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,...
the Hillsboro Fire Department want's you.

Bathroom graffiti - 05
-----------------------------
(Sign posted in a bathroom)
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!

[~Drunken_Angel~]

Bathroom graffiti - 06
-----------------------------
(Seen above a urinal)
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!

Bathroom graffiti - 07
-----------------------------
Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words:
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
(FUNNY.. PMSL)

Bathroom graffiti - 08
-----------------------------
(On the inside of a toilet door)
Patrons are requested to remain seated
throughout the entire performance

[~Drunken_Angel~]

Bathroom graffiti - 09
-----------------------------
"$1.49 - All You Can Eat" (with an arrow pointing down into the toilet)

Bathroom graffiti - 10
-----------------------------
(A sign seen at a swimming pool)
We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!

Bathroom graffiti - 11
-----------------------------
(Another sign seen at a swimming pool)
Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.

Bathroom graffiti - 12
-----------------------------
(In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant)
It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into sh*t.
It only takes Burger King 10 minutes.

[~Drunken_Angel~]

Bathroom graffiti - 13
-----------------------------
(Sign seen at a restaurant)
The hands that clean these toilets also make your
food......... please aim properly.

Bathroom graffiti - 14
-----------------------------
(Here's one seen above a urinal)
look up
look up
[even higher on the wall]
keep looking up
[on the ceiling]
Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes!

Bathroom graffiti - 15
-----------------------------
(Written above a urinal)
Why are you looking up here ? Are you ashamed of it?

Bathroom graffiti - 16
-----------------------------
Some people come here
to take a sh*t, I come here to leave one.

Bathroom graffiti - 17
-------------------------------
Here I sit so broken hearted
Tried to sh*t but only farted
how much longer must I linger
before I have to use my finger

[~Drunken_Angel~]

BUMPER STICKERS

1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

2. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

3. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

4. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

5. I intend to live forever - so far, so good

6. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

7. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

8. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

9. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

10. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

11. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

12. Robin Hood was a terrorist

13. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it

14. Shake well before and after use

15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

16. The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash

17. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

18. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

19. People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

20. "Honk if you have never seen an Uzi fired from a car window."

[[FMF_FATTY]]

ahaha luv the bumper stickers angel im gunna getta few made up

[50 kid]

lol.... they are so funny