eightball
1st March 2004, 11:23 AM
40 Mistakes women make in bed
1. MILKING IT; When stroking a guy’s **** don’t grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don’t use the ***** as if it’s a piece of gym equipment to strengthen your forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two thirds of the way down.
2. LETHAL WEAPONS; A guys scrotum is a wondrous achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don’t squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even looking at a guy’s ball bag.
3. ROBOTS; When sucking a guy’s **** don’t just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It’s a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.
4. SILENT FRIGHT; If you’ve come and cannot be arsed to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he’s done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his arse should do the trick.
5. PHONE TURN-OFF; Don’t put your mobile next to the bed and say, “I’m just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm and appointment but we can carry on in the meantime.” Ring bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not average stud with 10 pints of larger behind him.
6. NO LAUGHING MATTER; Don’t laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like “ Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking ****” or “I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love juice.” Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you’ve got a guy that can speak full sentences.
7. CLOSING UP; If a man is willing to take the trouble to cum on your face, don’t close you eyes. HE wants you to share this ecstatic movement of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases – but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
8. POOR PRESENTATION; Presentation is all-important. Don’t wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
9. HANGING AROUND; When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle; he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you’re a one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
10. BEING SHY; Always off the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don’t like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
11. BEING A DRIP; You always have tissues in your bag, use them use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
12. LAKE OF MAINTANCE; Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don’t like fat chick’s Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those bun and thighs. Here there is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6% of men say that even Christy, Elle and Naomi all could still lose a few pounds – so what chance have you got?
13. CLOCK-WATCHING; Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying, “are you going to cum soon” If you are doing a blowie you would have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you’re giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work you biceps. If shagging you takes longer than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between 2 sexually aware and gifted human beings.
14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS; Don’t ask him if you’re the best lover he’s ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don’t ask men to lie about such an important thing.
15. PLAYING DEAD; Don’t just lie there, do something. God sex is not just a spectator sport it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don’t mind that and we’re blessed with the equipment and know how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
16. BEING POSSESIVE; If you are lucky enough to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don’t sneer or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he’s a real man he’s probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON; Don’t shave all you pubic hair off. It makes it look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by-date. At best it looks like a snatch of a 10yr old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
18. SPITTING IT OUT; When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with the semen like a block of hubba bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing it from side to side. A line like “I love it when you cum in my mouth” makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
19. INGRATITUDE; Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you especially if sex lasted for more then five minutes and/or you managed to achieve an orgasm. A mans role in sex is far more demanding then a woman’s so it is always nice when ones prowess is appreciated.
20. SEEKIN FAVOURS; Never contemplate taking advantage of your man warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into a well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, “Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes?” There’s a name for this practice of mixing sex with material gain – prostitution
21. BED-RIDDEN; Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being in bed. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If your lucky, you man might imagine he’s bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.
22. SHARING NOT CARING; Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing you gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. You like semen, he doesn’t. Be considerate please.
23. BEING NAKED; Very few female bodies are good to look at so please make and effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your body. If you’ve got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover up your meagre mammaries with something silky.
24. TOO BRIGHT; If a man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please don’t insist on seeing what’s going on. If he’s got a bit of a beer belly or a love bite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he’s shafting Natalie Imbrulia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.
25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME;(1) Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging him to remember your name after he’s shagged you. If he thought it was important to remember your name, he would have.
26. PLAYING THE GAME;(2) Don’t be angry if you’re lover shouts out another woman’s name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives that women and deal with many more people at work, football club, gym, pub, etc. It’s probably just a close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is understandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.
27. KEEPING HIM WAITING; Don’t get him all turned on and then let his proud stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45mins delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he’s shot his load and has started to snore.
28. TOOTH ACHE; When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken literally. I know it’s hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble now and again.
29. YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE; If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20mins is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex ***** a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45mins
30. TWO DIMENSIONAL; It’s not enough to be a specialist – even in the important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your mans anal region.
31. CAMERA SHY; If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed cause he was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or video camera.
32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS; While men are more then happy to like pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a good thing.
33. OBSESSIVE; The female orgasm is over-rated so don’t spoil every bodies fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.
34. PERIOD PAIN; (1) Its natural for a women to beg for a good seeing to but please do not A) pretend your period has finished or hasn’t even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls he shagged before he met you.
35. PERIOD PAIN; (2) Having said that (above), just because you’re on the blob, it doesn’t mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don’t put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time together to work on your oral and massage techniques.
36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF); Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he’s got a stiffy, you’ve got to deal with it and take thing through to there natural conclusion.
37. WAKE-UP CALLER; Men have busy and demanding schedules so please understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job. You should take this as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.
38. COVER-UP; If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a ****ty temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.
39. PUTTING A DAMPER ON THE EVENING; Don’t make a fuss about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he would have given us a snitch.
40. TV SINNER; The only T.V. programmes suitable for accompanying good sex is ******** **** (especially involving yourself) or a football match. No gardening or knitting programmes to be watched.
1. MILKING IT; When stroking a guy’s **** don’t grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don’t use the ***** as if it’s a piece of gym equipment to strengthen your forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two thirds of the way down.
2. LETHAL WEAPONS; A guys scrotum is a wondrous achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don’t squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even looking at a guy’s ball bag.
3. ROBOTS; When sucking a guy’s **** don’t just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It’s a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.
4. SILENT FRIGHT; If you’ve come and cannot be arsed to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he’s done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his arse should do the trick.
5. PHONE TURN-OFF; Don’t put your mobile next to the bed and say, “I’m just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm and appointment but we can carry on in the meantime.” Ring bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not average stud with 10 pints of larger behind him.
6. NO LAUGHING MATTER; Don’t laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like “ Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking ****” or “I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love juice.” Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you’ve got a guy that can speak full sentences.
7. CLOSING UP; If a man is willing to take the trouble to cum on your face, don’t close you eyes. HE wants you to share this ecstatic movement of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases – but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
8. POOR PRESENTATION; Presentation is all-important. Don’t wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
9. HANGING AROUND; When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle; he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you’re a one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
10. BEING SHY; Always off the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don’t like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
11. BEING A DRIP; You always have tissues in your bag, use them use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
12. LAKE OF MAINTANCE; Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don’t like fat chick’s Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those bun and thighs. Here there is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6% of men say that even Christy, Elle and Naomi all could still lose a few pounds – so what chance have you got?
13. CLOCK-WATCHING; Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying, “are you going to cum soon” If you are doing a blowie you would have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you’re giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work you biceps. If shagging you takes longer than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between 2 sexually aware and gifted human beings.
14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS; Don’t ask him if you’re the best lover he’s ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don’t ask men to lie about such an important thing.
15. PLAYING DEAD; Don’t just lie there, do something. God sex is not just a spectator sport it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don’t mind that and we’re blessed with the equipment and know how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
16. BEING POSSESIVE; If you are lucky enough to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don’t sneer or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he’s a real man he’s probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON; Don’t shave all you pubic hair off. It makes it look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by-date. At best it looks like a snatch of a 10yr old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
18. SPITTING IT OUT; When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with the semen like a block of hubba bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing it from side to side. A line like “I love it when you cum in my mouth” makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
19. INGRATITUDE; Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you especially if sex lasted for more then five minutes and/or you managed to achieve an orgasm. A mans role in sex is far more demanding then a woman’s so it is always nice when ones prowess is appreciated.
20. SEEKIN FAVOURS; Never contemplate taking advantage of your man warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into a well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, “Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes?” There’s a name for this practice of mixing sex with material gain – prostitution
21. BED-RIDDEN; Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being in bed. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If your lucky, you man might imagine he’s bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.
22. SHARING NOT CARING; Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing you gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. You like semen, he doesn’t. Be considerate please.
23. BEING NAKED; Very few female bodies are good to look at so please make and effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your body. If you’ve got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover up your meagre mammaries with something silky.
24. TOO BRIGHT; If a man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please don’t insist on seeing what’s going on. If he’s got a bit of a beer belly or a love bite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he’s shafting Natalie Imbrulia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.
25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME;(1) Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging him to remember your name after he’s shagged you. If he thought it was important to remember your name, he would have.
26. PLAYING THE GAME;(2) Don’t be angry if you’re lover shouts out another woman’s name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives that women and deal with many more people at work, football club, gym, pub, etc. It’s probably just a close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is understandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.
27. KEEPING HIM WAITING; Don’t get him all turned on and then let his proud stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45mins delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he’s shot his load and has started to snore.
28. TOOTH ACHE; When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken literally. I know it’s hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble now and again.
29. YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE; If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20mins is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex ***** a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45mins
30. TWO DIMENSIONAL; It’s not enough to be a specialist – even in the important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your mans anal region.
31. CAMERA SHY; If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed cause he was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or video camera.
32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS; While men are more then happy to like pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a good thing.
33. OBSESSIVE; The female orgasm is over-rated so don’t spoil every bodies fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.
34. PERIOD PAIN; (1) Its natural for a women to beg for a good seeing to but please do not A) pretend your period has finished or hasn’t even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls he shagged before he met you.
35. PERIOD PAIN; (2) Having said that (above), just because you’re on the blob, it doesn’t mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don’t put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time together to work on your oral and massage techniques.
36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF); Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he’s got a stiffy, you’ve got to deal with it and take thing through to there natural conclusion.
37. WAKE-UP CALLER; Men have busy and demanding schedules so please understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job. You should take this as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.
38. COVER-UP; If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a ****ty temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.
39. PUTTING A DAMPER ON THE EVENING; Don’t make a fuss about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he would have given us a snitch.
40. TV SINNER; The only T.V. programmes suitable for accompanying good sex is ******** **** (especially involving yourself) or a football match. No gardening or knitting programmes to be watched.