Rectum Stretcher....

[pitboss_girl]

hahaha just a few funny things i got sent to me... haha...
i would just luv to try this on a cop one day... hehehe

Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar
gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over,walked up
to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and
love(?), asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late
for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher,"
she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just
what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by
inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three,
then four,
then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I
can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's
about 6 feet wide." And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot
*******?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


Traffic Ticket: $105.00

Court Costs: $45.00

Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS

[pitboss_girl]

TOP 10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk
is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose .... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your
stuff up when you're not home.

6. The slight of hand, fake , fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo
-- what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for the "big snip", then acting surprised when I freak
out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't
quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth,
you're just jealous

[pitboss_girl]

Ha! Made me laugh...

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the
rather horny looking blonde behind him has just raised her hand and
smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him,
and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father
of
one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
‘Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I
shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your
mate
whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"
No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

[pitboss_girl]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their
family
member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid
I'm
the
bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for
the
brain
yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
great
length
of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The
doctor
quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone
wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the
entire
group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

[pitboss_girl]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
into
a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He
orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the
girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up
and
goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his
wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He
probably
spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw
how
he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain,
do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates
you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be
strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute,
and
asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be
strong honey. I love you too!!"

[pitboss_girl]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a
tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to
fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her
nose,
then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still
curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the
woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking
ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and
said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped
your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical
condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I
have
never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking
anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

[pitboss_girl]

Instructions on how to clean your toilet
>
> 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
> water in the bowl.
>
> 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
> bathroom.
>
> 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
> You may need to stand on the lid.
>
> 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
> that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
>
>
> 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and
> rinse".
>
> 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are
> no people between the bathroom and the front door.
>
> 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
>
> 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and
> run outside where he will dry himself off.
>
> 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Sincerely,
>
> The Dog
NOTE; i have never tried this... mwahahahahahahahahahahaha

[pitboss_girl]

I found this halerious i recon i would be able to talk Chinese in no time at all... Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...(You MUST read them out loud)
>1) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong
>2) Are you harboring a fugitive? .....Hu Yu Hai Ding
>3) See me ASAP..............................Kum Hia Nao
>4) Stupid Man...................................Dum ***
>5) Small Horse..................................Tai Ni Po Ni
>6) Did you go to the Beach? .........Wai Yu So Tan
>7) I bumped into a coffe table.............Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
>8) I think you need a face lift..............Chin Tu Fat
>9) It's very dark in here......................Wao So Dim
>10) I thought you were on a diet..........Wai Yu Mun Ching
>11) This is a tow away zone.................No Pah King
>12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.....Wai Yu Kum Nao
>13) Staying out of sight.......................Lei Ying Lo
>14) He's cleaning his automobile..........Wa Shing Ka
>15) Your body odor is offensive...........Yu Stin Ki Pu
>16) Great...........................................Fa Kin Su Pah
> _____

[FREESTYLEMX17]

Omg That Last One Was So Crazy I Like I Like

[[FMF_FATTY]]

Hahah jess got some good ones there
ausome stuff :p
chris

[twisties]

hahaha they were great

[Skeletor666]

thats chinese one is pretty good